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A Guide to Making Friends, Saving Lives, and Feeding Homeless Welders with Parking Lot Tacos🌮

May 8, 2025 by Allen Woffard

humor, mental health, safety, stress, welder

Look, we don’t always do things for love. Sometimes we do them because other humans have feelings like sadness, desperation, or hunger for street food made from Tuesday’s beef stew and a single, suspicious can of Spam found behind the acetylene cage. Let’s explore how we can channel burnout, rage, and sarcastic wisdom into useful acts of service—without needing HR pre-approval for anything except maybe the hugs.

🧠 Step 1: Influence People (So They Don’t Jump… or If They Do, Wear that Damn Harness)

People are gonna do dumb ass things. It’s a fact of life. Your job is to make them slightly less cognitively deficient or at least survivable dumb. Channel your inner Oprah with a side of Clint Eastwood and say:

“You get a lanyard! You get an anchor point! YOU get a self-retracting lifeline!”

Empathy tip: Before shouting at someone for climbing the scaffolding like it’s American Ninja Warrior, ask yourself: Are they trying to die, or just trying to finish the job before lunch?

💬 Step 2: Parking Lot Encouragement & Pop-Up Therapy

Be the kind of person who makes people feel seen in the parking lot. When you spot Carl from welding crying into his vape, say:

“Hey man, you’re not alone. Also, you left your gas bottle unsecured again, but let’s process that after your emotions have completely drained your enthusiasm for violence.”

Bonus points if you bring him a taco (recipe below). Emotional vulnerability pairs beautifully with a spicy sauce and crunchy shell.

🏕️ Step 3: How to Make Parking Lot Tacos with Leftovers, Camping Gear, Stolen Condiments & Dignity

Safety is about preparation, right? So keep a JetBoil in your truck next to the trauma kit. Here’s your “Feed-the-Forgotten Welder” Parking Lot Taco Recipe for every protein level:

🥩 Beef Edition:

Leftover brisket or mystery meat from the breakroom fridge
Tortillas (slightly stale? Just call them artisan rustic)
Hot sauce packet hoarded from your glovebox
Garnish: crumbled Doritos + diced onion stolen from the sub shop

🍗 Chicken Edition:

Yesterday’s fried chicken (de-boned and shredded)
Mix in that sad cup of ranch no one used
Heat on a camping skillet, wrap in foil-torched tortilla
Bonus: Add lime if someone accidentally left one in the ice chest

🐟 Sardine & Spam Special:

1 can of sardines (packed in oil = flavor bomb)
½ can Spam, diced and crisped in your camp pan
Mix with sriracha and desperation
Serve with dignity and maybe a wet wipe

🤗 Step 4: Hug It Out… and Maybe Rub It In

Here’s the thing: safety isn’t just about PPE—it’s about people. When someone’s drowning in anxiety, feeling useless, or just needs human contact that doesn’t come from a disciplinary form, give a hug. Or if you’re really advanced:

The “Morale Back Rub”™ Technique

Ask: “You cool with a bro-pat or would you prefer a shoulder thump?”
Always face the same direction. It’s safer and less awkward.
Don’t linger. We’re here to support, not seduce.

HR will raise an eyebrow, but with your new empathy-based credentials, you’ll say, “It’s not creepy—it’s occupational compassion.”

💡 The Real Talk: Why Safety Pros Need Empathy Training

Being a safety professional means living in a stew of regulatory fatigue, caffeine addiction, and low-grade existential dread. It’s easy to stop seeing people and just start seeing hazards.

But when you take a second to feel—to connect with your workers, even the ones who think hard hats are a government conspiracy—you shift from “compliance cop” to workplace healer.

Redirect your emotional turmoil into something useful:

Start a taco ministry.
Write a “feelings log” in your lockout/tagout binder.
Give someone a real compliment that doesn’t include the word “violation.”

You’re allowed to care, even when it’s exhausting. You might even save a life—or at least make someone smile before they crawl under that forklift again.

So slap on your steel toed Hey Dudes, charge your camp stove, and remember not all heroes wear capes—some carry hot sauce and emotional damage to a new level.

And if you’re wondering if sardines and Spam really belong in a taco? Well, friend, did you really need to apply OSHA regulations into your love life? You damn well know that wasn’t a “Permit Require Space” —but you wrote one anyways. Freak.

So You Wanna Be a Certified Hazard Wrangler

May 7, 2025 by Allen Woffard

General

ai, falls., gravity, humor, safety

Field Notes from the Front Lines of Overtraining, Lost Fingers, and Near-Miss Drama

Welcome to the sacred brother/sisterhood of safety—the only profession where people roll their eyes at you until the forklift actually tips over.

Let’s be real: most workers aren’t undertrained. They’re overtrained and under-engaged. You’ve got to cut through the noise (and the passive-aggressive sarcasm) to get real results.

Here’s how to survive—and thrive—as a Certified Hazard Wrangler in 2025:

Note: The CHW is trademarked, so don’t even be thinking of stealing my sh*t! Unless it makes you warm and fuzzy – then take it and use it in a manner that fits!

🔸 Speak Human.
No one gives two shits what 29 CFR 1910.147 says at 6:42am, or why the hell you’ve brought it up before they clocked in. They care if that machine will rip their hoodie (and ribs) out if they bypass the lockout or shred their new tatt. Ditch the technical jargon. Say what matters.

🔸 Your Body Language Is Your First Safety Talk.
Stroll in like someone worth listening to—not like OSHA’s representative is ready to drop a hammer on the site. Uncross your arms don’t look your pouting or cold, spread your damn feet with toes pointed at the team, hands on hips (your own). Make eye contact. Nod with purpose. Look like you’ve actually used or held tools that would add a number to your body count before.

🔸 Listen Like You’re Trying to Get a Raise.
Ask the crew what’s sketchy. What’s ignored. What the new gender-neutral worker keeps doing that makes their eyes and lower lip twitch. You’ll get more insight in 2 minutes than 20 audits.

🔸 Train Like You’re Explaining It to a Drunk Uncle with a Chainsaw.
Short. Real. Graphic. Bonus points if you include phrases like, “This is why Allen can’t feel his thumb anymore, and Casey is breathing through a throat pipe and making Vader references.”

🔸 Respect the Overtrained.
These folks have sat through 413 PowerPoints and watched every safety video since Beta switched to VHS. They don’t need another mnemonic acronym—they need a reason to give a damn about the flood of verbal confetti flying out of your lips.

🔸 Use Humor Like PPE.
The best safety enthusiast knows when to throw the clipboard across the room, share a Ian Bagg joke about someone’s mamas heritage and single eyebrow, and make it stick. If you can’t laugh at the job sometimes, you’re probably doing it wrong or need to dial back on the CBD infused vodka gummies you got at the gas station.

💬 Want open dialogue? Be Real. Be Consistent. Be the kind of person they’d call if things went sideways at 3am, because they believe that you – KNOW how to make the shit sandwich taste like caviar.

Actively Listen – respond thoughtfully.

Be the reason someone goes home without new injuries, added felonies, and only one attitude problem.

Gravity is Not My Friend and Other Aging Betrayals

March 4, 2025 by Allen Woffard

General

adult, comfort, elderly, genx, george burns, humor, mental health, scams, social, society

Welcome back to Growing Old at the Speed of Dark—the only podcast news source where we admit that getting older is not a graceful swan dive into wisdom but more like tripping over the dogs ass and pretending it was intentional. I’m Allen Woffard, your guide through the fine art of aging disgracefully, and today we’re talking about all the ways life starts flipping us the bird as we get older.

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” Mark Twain

That’s right, folks. As Gen X’ers, we’re not old, we’re seasoned professionals in the art of survival. And today, we’re covering everything from gravity’s cruel revenge to social survival tactics, because if we have to get older, we might as well get craftier.

GRAVITY: THE LONGEST RELATIONSHIP OF YOUR LIFE

Everything droops. Your face, your chesty extensions, that backside, even your will to attend family reunions.
You drop something on the floor and suddenly have to consider if it’s really worth retrieving; don’t I have a backup in the laundry room?
Once upon a time, you bounced back from a fall. Now? You just bounce.

Solution?

Get clothes that work with gravity—elastic waistbands, supportive bras, and shoes that won’t betray you mid-step.
Embrace compression socks (unless you have blocked arteries)—they’re basically Spanx for your ankles.
Accept that “picking things up” is now a scheduled activity requiring careful planning.

YOUR BODY’S NEW USER MANUAL: THINGS THEY NEVER WARNED US ABOUT

When we were younger, no one warned us that one day:

Getting up from the couch would involve waking up the sleeping muscles, and a sound effect from the joints.
The list of things that “don’t agree with you” would include onions, dairy, and air.
Sleeping wrong could result in a three-day recovery period.

How to fight back?

Turmeric & Magnesium – Because stiff as a board shouldn’t describe your morning routine.
Yoga or Tai Chi – Not just for the spiritual crowd. It’s for anyone who doesn’t want to sound like Rice Krispies (snap, crackle, pop) while getting up.
Caffeine & Naps – The real dynamic duo.

SOCIAL SURVIVAL: MAKING FRIENDS WHO UNDERSTAND THE STRUGGLE

Aging is better with allies. But where do you find people who appreciate the art of complaining about gas prices and reminiscing about life before the zombies with their faces buried in smartphones?

Facebook Groups for the 50+ Crowd – Don’t want to deal with teenagers? Perfect. Join a group called “Wine, Whining, and Wisdom” or start your own called “The Over-Caffeinated & Underrated Society.”
Senior Meetups & Potlucks – Come for the food, stay for the shared outrage over how expensive groceries have gotten.
Volunteer Groups – Because let’s be real, someone has to keep an eye on the younger generations.

SCAMMERS, SPAMMERS, & WHY WE DON’T CLICK LINKS

Look, if you’ve lived this long, you’ve probably already won the lottery… of life. So why are we still getting emails from mysterious princes offering us millions?

Red Flags to Watch For:

The “Grandchild in Trouble” Call – If little Timmy is really in jail, he can call his fucking parents first. Watch for new scams where the voice will sound like those you know, so ask questions that only they can answer!
The “Your Account is Locked” Email – If your bank needs to reach you, they can do it the old-fashioned way—by mailing you a letter you’ll probably forget to open.
Any Website That Asks for Your Social Security Number to Order Socks—Just… no.

FINAL THOUGHTS: LAUGH IT OFF, SHAKE IT OFF, AND KEEP MOVING

Aging is a weird, wild ride, and honestly, we’re crushing it. So, whether you’re rolling out of bed with sound effects bitching and moaning at the alarm clock, rocking elastic waistbands like a style-less icon, or just trying to remember why you walked into the kitchen—just know, you’re in good company.

And in the immortal words of George Burns:
“You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old.”

That’s it for today’s digital episode of Growing Old at the Speed of Dark! Until next time, keep laughing, keep moving, and if you must fall, tuck, and roll and at least make it look intentional.

With disdain and inappropriate hugs,

Allen

Growing Old Disgracefully—Chapter 1

February 3, 2025 by Allen Woffard

DOABM in Action

aarp, adult diaper, beer, cold cream, dolly parton, humor, morgan freeman, sex

Chapter 1: Wrinkles Are Just Life’s Way of Folding You into Shape

At some point, you look in the mirror and realize your reflection has been replaced by a Shar Pei. You tug at your face, wondering when your skin decided to stop bouncing back, and suddenly, you’re Googling phrases like “why do I look like an unmade bed?” Welcome to the wonderful world of wrinkles—life’s way of keeping us humble.

A Lifetime of Earned Creases

Let’s be honest: wrinkles aren’t just age-related. They’re battle scars from decades of squinting at tiny phone screens, raising skeptical eyebrows at people’s nonsense, and perfecting the art of the exasperated sigh. Some of us even sport permanent “WTF” lines between our brows—souvenirs from years of hearing truly dumb statements.

But think about it: those lines are stories. That little crease by your mouth? That’s from all the times you laughed so hard you snorted coffee through your nose. The ones on your forehead? A reward for decades of wisdom (or at least looking concerned while pretending to listen). And crow’s feet? Proof that you had fun, smiled a lot, and didn’t spend your whole life scowling at salads.

And let’s not forget, some of the most fabulous people in the world have wrinkles and look damn good doing it. Take Helen Mirren, who is absolute proof that you can age like a fine wine with a shot of tequila. Or Sir. Mick Jagger, who has so many wrinkles that he could hide the lyrics to an entire album in them—but still struts across a stage better than most twenty-year-olds. And let’s be real, Morgan Freeman was born looking wise, and his wrinkles only make him look more like a man who personally advises the universe.

The Wrinkle-Reduction Industry: A Multi-Billion Dollar Scam

If you have a couple of hundred dollars lying around, you could buy an anti-wrinkle cream that promises to turn back time (spoiler: it won’t). If you have a couple thousand, you could go for Botox, which will either make you look refreshed or give you the expression of a mildly startled mannequin.

For those of us who aren’t looking to spend our retirement savings on pretending we’re 30, here are some alternative methods for wrinkle control that are just as effective (and twice as ridiculous):

Duct Tape Method – Apply strategically before bed. If it can hold a car together, surely it can keep your face in place.
Sleeping Upside Down – Bats don’t have wrinkles. Coincidence? I think not.
Strategic Scarf Wrapping – Mummify your face in silk. Bonus: No one will know you ate an entire pizza alone.
Daily Surprised Expressions – Keeping your face in a perpetual look of astonishment could counteract gravity. You’ll look like a human emoji, but hey, worth a shot.
Moisturize with Bacon Grease – If it’s good for cast-iron pans, why not your skin? Downside: You might get licked by stray dogs.
Live in Complete Darkness – No sun exposure = no wrinkles. Downside: You become a socially awkward vampire.
Tape Your Face to the Ceiling at Night – Gravity can’t pull your skin down if you’re already up there.
Train Your Pet to Lick Your Face for Free Exfoliation – Dogs and cats already think your face is salty; might as well get some skincare benefits out of it.

Accepting the Inevitable (And Having Fun with It)

At the end of the day, wrinkles are proof that we lived. They show that we were expressive, passionate, and engaged with life. Besides, they give you a distinguished look—like an old sea captain who’s seen some things.

And remember, some of the best-looking people in history aged with grace and humor. Betty White embraced every wrinkle with a joke. George Clooney proved that silver hair and laugh lines are sexy. And if the amazingly beautiful Dolly Parton can still light up a room with her face (at least start eye level before lusting the rest of the layout), then so can you!

So embrace the creases, laugh at the anti-aging nonsense, and if someone suggests you try a $300 snail-slime serum, just tell them, “I’m too busy living to care about looking 25.” Because honestly, what’s the point of growing old disgracefully if we can’t have a little fun doing it?

Growing Old Disgracefully

July 6, 2024 by Allen Woffard

DOABM in Action, General

aging, heart health, humor, kidney health, liver health, senior health, sexual health

“I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.” – Rita Rudner

So, you’ve hit that golden age where every birthday feels like a victory lap around the sun, but your body thinks it’s running a marathon uphill in sand. Growing old gracefully, they say. Bullshit! Who wants to do anything gracefully when you can go out kicking, screaming, and demanding extra pillows? If you’re like me, you’d rather slide into old age with a barrel of wine a handful of vitamins, and a lot of questionable decisions. Here’s how we’re going to do it: with the power of amino acids, vitamins, and a healthy dose of irreverence.

An old woman is sitting at a bar when an older gentleman sits down beside her. “So,” he says, “do I come here often? – Unknown

The Heart of the Matter: Cardiac Comedy

Your heart is the engine of this old raggedy assed frame you call a body. Keep it revving with a blend of amino acids like L-carnitine and taurine. They sound like something from a sci-fi novel, but they’re heart helpers. L-carnitine helps transport fatty acids into your cells to be burned for energy—think of it as giving your heart a little slap on the butt. Taurine, on the other hand, supports the electrical impulses that keep your ticker ticking. Imagine your heart as the world’s smallest nightclub DJ, and taurine is the guy making sure the beats never drop.

https://www.webmd.com/vitamins/ai/ingredientmono-1026/l-carnitine

Skin So Good: Wrinkles are Just Nature’s Confetti

Whoever said wrinkles are a sign of wisdom clearly never tried to iron their face. But hey, if we’re going to get lines, let’s at least fill them with laughter. Enter amino acids like proline and lysine, which are vital for collagen production. Collagen is the stuff that keeps your flesh blanket looking like a baby’s bottom instead of a crumpled grocery bag. Toss in some vitamin C, which helps stabilize and create collagen, and you’re on your way to skin so smooth it could slide right off a barstool. Remember, a properly made screwdriver has vitamin “C”!

“I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past.” – Robert Brault

“Now that I’ve gotten older, everything’s finally starting to click for me. My knees, my back, my neck …”

https://www.rd.com/article/old-people-jokes/

Kidney Kindness: Filtering Out the Fuss

Your kidneys are the bouncers of your bloodstream, filtering out the riffraff so the VIPs—like nutrients and amino acids—can keep the party going. N-acetyl cysteine (NAC) is an amino acid that supports your kidneys by replenishing glutathione, a powerful antioxidant. Think of glutathione as your kidney’s personal bodyguard, ready to kick the shit out of any free radicals trying to crash the party. To top it off, vitamins B6 and B12 support kidney function by keeping homocysteine levels in check. High homocysteine is about as welcome in your kidneys as a weed eater at a garden party.

https://www.webmd.com/vitamins/ai/ingredientmono-1018/n-acetyl-cysteine-nac

“I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.” – George Carlin

Liver Laughs: Detoxing with a Wink and a Nod

Your liver works harder than a stand-up comedian at a dentist’s convention, detoxifying your body from all the questionable choices you make. Amino acids like methionine and arginine come to the rescue by aiding in detoxification and reducing ammonia levels, respectively. Picture your liver as a superhero, and these amino acids are its trusty sidekicks, ensuring it can keep up with all the bad guys (or just that ninth glass of wine).

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” – George Burns

Vitamins: The Sidekicks You Didn’t Know You Needed

Vitamins are the unsung heroes in your battle against aging. Vitamin E keeps your skin looking youthful, while vitamin D supports bone health and mood—because no one wants to be the grumpy old person shaking their cane at squirrels. Vitamin K2 ensures calcium goes to your bones and not your arteries, which is critical because the last thing you need is a heart attack while chasing those damn squirrels off the bird feeders.

https://www.webmd.com/vitamins-and-supplements/supplement-guide-vitamin-k

“I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to.”
Albert Einstein

Conclusion: The Grand Finale

So, there you have it. Growing old gracefully is overrated. Let’s do it kicking, screaming, and with a lot of laughter. Stock up on your amino acids and vitamins, and remember aging is inevitable, but doing it with style and sass is a choice. Here’s to a life full of health, humor, and not acting our age!

“At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.”
Ann Landers

Remember, always consult with a healthcare professional before starting any new supplement regimen. And don’t forget to laugh—it’s the best medicine that doesn’t come with a warning label. Cheers to growing old disgracefully!

Live Bravely – Allen Woffard

Uniting the World: Podcasting, Written Communication, and the Oddity of Silence

January 24, 2024 by Allen Woffard

DOABM in Action

alaska, army, bald, coffee, global connection, hawaii, humor, letter, mental health, podcast, postcards

In a world that often looks and feels divided, the power of technology has emerged as a force for potential unity. One such technological marvel that stands out is the podcast platform, a medium that transcends borders and cultures, bringing people from all walks of life together through the magic of audio. As we embark on this journey exploring the global impact of podcasting, we will also delve into the often-neglected realm of written communication and discover its potential to improve mental health for those in remote locations. Brace yourself for a few chuckles as we contemplate the oddity of a podcaster shutting up long enough to put pen to paper – or for the moment, fingers to keyboard.

Podcasting, with its spoken word format, has become a melting pot of diverse voices. From the bustling streets of Tokyo to the serene landscapes of Iceland, podcasters are connecting with audiences on a global scale. The beauty lies in the fact that anyone with a microphone and an internet connection can share their thoughts, stories, and experiences. It is a digital bonfire where people gather, not to roast marshmallows, but to share the warmth of their words.

Imagine tuning in to a podcast where a storyteller from India narrates tales of mythology, followed by a musician from Brazil playing a tune inspired by their local culture. The ability of podcasts to transport us to different corners of the world is unparalleled. It is like having a passport to the collective consciousness of humanity, all from the comfort of your headphones – unless you’re driving! No headphones – remember safety first!

Now, let us discuss the unsung hero of communication – the written word. In an era dominated by visual and auditory stimuli, the act of sitting down to write has taken a back seat. However, there is a unique power in crafting messages with intention and precision. For those in remote locations where face-to-face interactions are limited, written communication becomes a lifeline.

I can tell you from my experiences on Wake and Shemya Island, there was nothing greater than mail day, and getting a care package with notes from my family and friends. And, ask any veteran who was deployed the effect on moral when the mail came in and the tactile sensation of tearing open that envelope occurred.

Whether it’s penning a heartfelt letter to a friend on the other side of the globe or maintaining a digital journal, the act of writing provides a tangible outlet for expression. Studies have shown that expressing emotions through writing can have therapeutic effects, alleviating stress and improving overall mental well-being. So, in addition to the power of spoken words, let’s not underestimate the healing potential of written ones.

Now, let us inject a dose of humor into the mix – the oddity of a podcaster shutting up long enough to write. Podcasters, known for their gift of gab, might find the idea of silent contemplation a foreign concept. Picture this: a podcaster, who usually thrives in the lively world of audio, attempting to convey their thoughts in written form. It is like asking a stand-up comedian to deliver punchlines through interpretive dance – entertaining, but a bit out of their comfort zone.

In this peculiar scenario, we can imagine the podcaster grappling with the absence of their trusty microphone, perhaps resorting to miming their enthusiasm for a topic instead of expressing it with vocal flair. The irony of a medium built on spoken words embracing the quiet solitude of writing is not lost on us.

In conclusion, the marriage of podcasting, written communication, and the quirky notion of a podcaster going silent holds immense potential. It’s a testament to the evolving landscape of human connection in the digital age. So, whether you’re a listener reveling in the diverse symphony of voices or a podcaster daring to embrace the art of the written word – here’s to the unifying power of communication in all its forms. Cheers to a world where laughter, stories, and the oddity of silence know no boundaries.

Onward and Upward – Allen

If you want a postcard from the podcast, let me know by emailing me your address, and become a part of the Global Connection Podcast Program.

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