aarp Archives - Diary of a Bald Man

Growing Old Disgracefully—Chapter 3

February 5, 2025 by Allen Woffard

aarp, field, fruit, harvest, heat rash. anti monkey butt, hemp, karen, mental health, vegetables, veterans

Breaking Bad (Backs): Why Gardening Is Overrated

Ah, retirement. The golden years. The time when you finally get to kick back, relax, and absolutely wreck your spine trying to grow a tomato that birds will eat before you do.

Somewhere along the line, society decided that once you retire, you should immediately take up gardening—as if spending decades working wasn’t enough back-breaking labor. They tell you it’s relaxing, rewarding, and a great way to stay active. What they don’t tell you is that gardening is basically an extreme sport for old people, complete with injury risks, unwanted critters, and territorial disputes with the guy next door who keeps “accidentally” picking your cucumbers.

And yet, despite its many perils, gardening does have some surprising benefits. So, before you throw in the trowel (ha!), let’s dig into why you might want to garden—and why you might just want to stay inside and watch Netflix instead.

The “Benefits” of Gardening (If You Survive It)

Exercise Without the Gym Membership – Who needs a treadmill when you can squat over weeds for three hours and then spend the next week recovering and tucking the hemorrhoids back into place?
Mental Health Boost – Something about cursing at plants that refuse to grow is weirdly therapeutic.
Fresh Produce – Nothing tastes better than a homegrown tomato, mostly because you paid for it with blood, sweat, and tears (and possibly minor heatstroke).
Sunlight and Vitamin D – Sure, you’ll get your daily dose of sunshine—along with a lovely farmer’s tan and a new respect for wide-brimmed hats.

But let’s be honest: while these benefits sound nice, gardening also comes with hazards that no one warns you about.

The Hazards of Gardening: What They Don’t Tell You

Bugs: The Tiny Demons of Your Garden

If you think gardening is just watering and pruning, you’re in for a rude, buzzing, and biting awakening.

Mosquitoes will treat you like an all-you-can-eat buffet the second you step outside.
Wasps do not care that you just wanted to plant some basil.
Fire ants will ruin your entire week just for existing near their home.
Slugs? Oh, you’ll meet slugs. They’ll eat your plants and laugh in your face while doing it.

Solution? Carry a flamethrower. Or, you know, bug spray. But the flamethrower is more fun.

Poisonous Plants and Other Botanical Betrayals

Not all plants are your friends. Some of them actively want to ruin your day.

Poison Ivy – You don’t even have to touch it. Just look at it wrong, and suddenly you’re itching for a week.
Thorny Bushes – Oh, you wanted a lovely rose garden? Enjoy bleeding for your hobby.
Mushrooms – Some are delicious, some are deadly, and some just exist to mess with your head. (Do NOT test this theory.)
Allergy Traps – You plant flowers for beauty, and in return, they fill your nose with pollen and your soul with regret.

Solution? Learn plant identification or just assume everything in your yard is trying to kill you.

Nosy Neighbors & The Great Cucumber Heist

If you manage to keep your plants alive, now you have to protect them from humans.

There’s always that one hot but crazy neighbor with 7 cats, who swears she thought that giant zucchini “was just growing wild. And how it reminded her of her ex-boyfriend Paul, who was a Sagittarius and just a little to bitchy on game night, but hung like a well-developed, organic, ground-based vegetable.”
The little old lady next door will “just take a couple of tomatoes,” but somehow that means your whole plant is suddenly empty.
If your yard even hints at growing a fruit tree, congratulations—you’ve become the neighborhood grocery store Aldi.

Solution? Install motion-sensor sprinklers connected to canisters of pepper spray and deer urine, and watch the drama unfold.

Grandkids: The Ultimate Garden Wrecking Crew

So you spent months carefully tending your plants, only to have your grandkids turn your garden into a dirt track for their battery-powered vehicles.

Your freshly planted marigolds? Now tire tracks.
Your neat rows of lettuce? Flattened under tiny monster truck wheels.
Your peaceful gardening session? Interrupted by screams of ‘WATCH ME GO FAST!’

And let’s not forget their contribution to wildlife preservation—by which I mean they will absolutely adopt a garden snake and release it inside your house.

Solution? Fence off your garden, gift the little air-thieving meat sacks with shock collars, and tell them to find the treasure eggs around the yard—tell them the tickle on the neck means that they are getting warmer!

If You Insist on Gardening, Here’s How to Do It Right

Now that you know the dangers, if you still want to garden, at least be strategic about it.

Best Times to Plant Stuff (So You Don’t Work in the Heat & Die)

Spring: Perfect for flowers, veggies, and deciding that gardening was a mistake before summer arrives.
Summer: Great for suffering. Also, plant heat-tolerant stuff like peppers, tomatoes, and regrets.
Fall: The sweet spot. Good for pumpkins, leafy greens, and making your yard look Pinterest-worthy.
Winter: Plant nothing. Sit inside and judge other people’s gardening failures.
How Senior Citizens grow the absolute best medicinal marijuana (click here)

Protecting Your Plants from Thieves (Both Feathered & Human)

Birds: They will eat every berry you grow unless you install netting. Or, release a squadron of angry motion-activated drones that make lion roaring sounds.
Squirrels: These tiny psychopaths will take one bite out of every tomato just to spite you. Consider bribing them with a feeder and using a 12ga to provide them with an attitude adjustment—just use salt loads!
Nosy Neighbors: Plant fake zucchini in obvious places while keeping the real stuff hidden. Confuse and frustrate them by placing multicolored dildos around the yard.
Grandkids: Offer to pay them to help garden. Once they realize it’s actual work, they’ll never set foot in your yard again.

Final Thoughts: Netflix Might Be the Better Option

Look, gardening can be rewarding, but let’s be real: it’s exhausting, painful, and full of things that want to bite you. Is all that really worth a homegrown tomato?

Consider your alternatives:

Netflix: No bugs. No heat. Just you, a blanket, and a remote control.
Ordering Produce and Other Shit Online: Someone else suffers through gardening; you just pay for it and the Uber Eats driver that licked all your fruit.
Artificial Plants: They look great, require no effort, and won’t attract squirrels (probably).

But hey, if you do decide to garden, at least you’ll have some great stories to tell while recovering from that heat rash and your latest back injury.

Happy digging!

Growing Old Disgracefully—Chapter 1

February 3, 2025 by Allen Woffard

DOABM in Action

aarp, adult diaper, beer, cold cream, dolly parton, humor, morgan freeman, sex

Chapter 1: Wrinkles Are Just Life’s Way of Folding You into Shape

At some point, you look in the mirror and realize your reflection has been replaced by a Shar Pei. You tug at your face, wondering when your skin decided to stop bouncing back, and suddenly, you’re Googling phrases like “why do I look like an unmade bed?” Welcome to the wonderful world of wrinkles—life’s way of keeping us humble.

A Lifetime of Earned Creases

Let’s be honest: wrinkles aren’t just age-related. They’re battle scars from decades of squinting at tiny phone screens, raising skeptical eyebrows at people’s nonsense, and perfecting the art of the exasperated sigh. Some of us even sport permanent “WTF” lines between our brows—souvenirs from years of hearing truly dumb statements.

But think about it: those lines are stories. That little crease by your mouth? That’s from all the times you laughed so hard you snorted coffee through your nose. The ones on your forehead? A reward for decades of wisdom (or at least looking concerned while pretending to listen). And crow’s feet? Proof that you had fun, smiled a lot, and didn’t spend your whole life scowling at salads.

And let’s not forget, some of the most fabulous people in the world have wrinkles and look damn good doing it. Take Helen Mirren, who is absolute proof that you can age like a fine wine with a shot of tequila. Or Sir. Mick Jagger, who has so many wrinkles that he could hide the lyrics to an entire album in them—but still struts across a stage better than most twenty-year-olds. And let’s be real, Morgan Freeman was born looking wise, and his wrinkles only make him look more like a man who personally advises the universe.

The Wrinkle-Reduction Industry: A Multi-Billion Dollar Scam

If you have a couple of hundred dollars lying around, you could buy an anti-wrinkle cream that promises to turn back time (spoiler: it won’t). If you have a couple thousand, you could go for Botox, which will either make you look refreshed or give you the expression of a mildly startled mannequin.

For those of us who aren’t looking to spend our retirement savings on pretending we’re 30, here are some alternative methods for wrinkle control that are just as effective (and twice as ridiculous):

Duct Tape Method – Apply strategically before bed. If it can hold a car together, surely it can keep your face in place.
Sleeping Upside Down – Bats don’t have wrinkles. Coincidence? I think not.
Strategic Scarf Wrapping – Mummify your face in silk. Bonus: No one will know you ate an entire pizza alone.
Daily Surprised Expressions – Keeping your face in a perpetual look of astonishment could counteract gravity. You’ll look like a human emoji, but hey, worth a shot.
Moisturize with Bacon Grease – If it’s good for cast-iron pans, why not your skin? Downside: You might get licked by stray dogs.
Live in Complete Darkness – No sun exposure = no wrinkles. Downside: You become a socially awkward vampire.
Tape Your Face to the Ceiling at Night – Gravity can’t pull your skin down if you’re already up there.
Train Your Pet to Lick Your Face for Free Exfoliation – Dogs and cats already think your face is salty; might as well get some skincare benefits out of it.

Accepting the Inevitable (And Having Fun with It)

At the end of the day, wrinkles are proof that we lived. They show that we were expressive, passionate, and engaged with life. Besides, they give you a distinguished look—like an old sea captain who’s seen some things.

And remember, some of the best-looking people in history aged with grace and humor. Betty White embraced every wrinkle with a joke. George Clooney proved that silver hair and laugh lines are sexy. And if the amazingly beautiful Dolly Parton can still light up a room with her face (at least start eye level before lusting the rest of the layout), then so can you!

So embrace the creases, laugh at the anti-aging nonsense, and if someone suggests you try a $300 snail-slime serum, just tell them, “I’m too busy living to care about looking 25.” Because honestly, what’s the point of growing old disgracefully if we can’t have a little fun doing it?

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