“Confessions of a Washed-Up Safety Connoisseur: Tales from the Trenches”

Once upon a time, meaning at least 15+ years ago.  I was a wide-eyed safety professional—armed with an iPad with over 137 “safety inspection, training, weather, light and noise monitoring apps, two kickass mahjong games, and 13 easy field recipe ideas”, reflective vest, yellow, grey, and clear safety lenses, four nicotine patches for mental boost/rage control, two zip lock backs with jolly ranchers, and Advil, and lastly, the unshakable misbelief that tradespeople wanted to learn and love safety.

Then came the CFR – OSHA warriors.

You know the type. Trained by 100 different “safeties” before me, each one contradicting the last, but all claiming absolute and supreme authority. They wear their OSHA 10 card like a Medal of Honor and will fight you tooth and nail about ladder angles while balancing on a bucket with a cigarette in one hand and their third Red Bull this hourin the other.

Training them? Ha. It’s not fucking training. It’s hostage negotiation with hard hats.

They don’t need your advice—they’ve “been doing it like this for 20 years, on over 200 projects.” One guy told me, and I quote, “Safety is just a suggestion, like putting water in a Keurig.” Another corrected my CPR technique mid-demo, citing a segment of “the office” video filmed in 2015 and demanding that we stop wasting time because someone needed Rescue Randy’s kidneys and pancreas.

But we soldier on.

Fueled by coffee so strong it qualifies as a controlled substance. Back supported by a lumbar belt and unprocessed trauma. And yes, on particularly rough days, there may be a little pharmaceutical “motivation”—Viagra not for romance, but to keep our spirits, cramped legs, and neck upright and alert for an 8-hour PowerPoint on Workplace Violence and Non Gender Specific Sexual Harassment for Adult Offenders.

And yet… we like it, we love it, we want more of it – because taxes cost money.

The chaos. The challenge. The rare magical moment when someone actually listens. When a seasoned CFR-OSHA disciple blinks and mutters, “Huh… never thought of it that way.”

That’s the real high.

So, to my fellow retired, semi-retired, or hiding-in-the-breakroom safety vets—stand proud or at least up. You’ve survived more nonsense than a TikTok thread on forklift stunts. You’ve earned that third coffee. And that fourth. And maybe a nap in the locked supply closet.

Stay safe-ish, stay hydrated, take those gummis!