By Allen Woffard (Diary of a Bald Man)
Let me start by saying:
I am NOT your doctor, your pastor, or the dude in Instagram ads with man boobs you could serve Thanksgiving dinner on. I’m not attacking anyone trying to “help older men thrive,” “restore confidence,” or “bring couples closer.”
I’m attacking predatory marketing, reckless pharmaceutical cocktails, and “influencer medicine” masquerading as sexual wellness.
I’m just a middle-aged son of a bitch with a leg being rebuilt from a battle against DVT, and PAD, a sense of humor darker than burnt coffee, and enough vascular trauma to know when someone is peddling bullshit in a fancy wrapper.
And right now?
These ED pill companies are pushing more bullshit than a rodeo parade.
PART I — OLD MEN: LISTEN UP, YOU BEAUTIFUL, GRAYING, SOFT-AROUND-THE-MIDDLE LEGENDS
If you’re 40, 50, 60+, divorced twice, rebuilt your knees, survived eating 90’s gas station burritos, and STILL want to be the romantic hero?
Good for you.
I respect the effort.
But let’s be honest:
If your damn arteries look like a pinched garden hose, a mint-flavored sex Skittle is NOT the miracle cure.
ED at our age isn’t about “romantic spark.”
It’s about:
- Blood flow
- Artery health
- Hormones
- Stress
- Sleep
- Hydration
- Whether your heart can still pump faster than a TikTok girl’s eyelashes flutter
What do the pill pushers tell you?
Nothing.
Not a damn thing.
Do you see a single ad that says:
“Hey, if your leg almost got amputated because your arteries shut down like a Walmart at midnight, you might want to TALK to a doctor first”?
Of course not.
That would hurt sales.
And they can’t put their influencer in a low-cut blouse holding a cardiologist’s warning across her nipples –
📌 Citation:
- Vlachopoulos, C., et al. “Erectile Dysfunction as a Cardiovascular Risk Marker.” Circulation, 2009.
→ ED precedes cardiovascular disease in many men by 2–5 years.
📌 Citation:
- Feldman, H.A., et al. “Impotence and its medical and psychosocial correlates.” J Urol, 1994.
→ Vascular disease is the number one cause of ED in older men.
So yes, your softening situation may be your body kindly whispering,
“Brother, your arteries are pissed.”
PART II — YOUNG MEN: SIT YOUR DUMBASSES DOWN. WE NEED TO TALK.
If you’re 20–35 and taking ED pills recreationally, listen closely:
YOUR DICK ISN’T BROKEN.
YOUR BRAIN IS.
Not permanently — but enough to believe:
- Pornographic expectations
- Performance anxiety
- TikTok thirst traps
- Influencers with breasts that break OSHA load limits
…mean you need a pharmaceutical assist.
No you don’t.
You need sleep.
You need hydration.
You need to quit pounding your cortisol levels into the floor.
And here’s the kicker:
Using ED meds when you don’t need them CAN screw up your natural system.
Your brain learns:
“Oh, we’re performing? Where’s the pill?”
Now congratulations — you’ve chemically trained your penis like a dog waiting on a treat. Dumbass – now you can waste your time playing video games instead of where can you hide Waldo.
And these companies LOVE that.
They will sell you dependence before you even grow chest hair.
PART III — LET’S TALK ABOUT THE TOP-HEAVY TALKING HEADS
Brother, you and I both know how this game works.
These companies don’t use:
- Doctors
- Pharmacists
- Cardiologists
- Urologists
Nope.
They use people whose shirts look like they’re one exhale away from catastrophic costume failure, and launching a button into the eye of the videographer.
They lean forward and say, “Increase your confidence today,” and suddenly every man between 18 and 85 is reaching for his wallet.
This is not healthcare.
This is horny capitalism.
If the influencer has to bend forward to say the product name, she’s the marketing strategy, not the medical disclaimer.
PART IV — THE REALITY THEY DON’T TELL YOU
- SSRIs can destroy your libido.
Paroxetine is literally used to stop you from finishing too quickly.
Side effect?
You may not finish at all.
Or start.
- Combining Viagra + Cialis is not “supercharging.” It’s a BP trapdoor.
Your blood pressure drops.
Your vision spots.
You start sweating like a Baptist in a liquor store.
- Dopamine agonists like apomorphine?
They’re not performance boosters.
They’re Parkinson’s drugs.
They can cause fainting, nausea, and impulse-control issues.
Because nothing says “romantic evening” like:
“Honey, I need to lie down, the room is spinning.”
- PAD, heart disease, diabetes, high BP → HUGE risk factors.
If your arteries have more traffic jams than Atlanta, taking these pills without medical clearance is playing cardiovascular roulette.
Older men die this way.
Younger men faint this way.
Nobody wins.
📌 Citation:
- Kloner, R.A., & Zusman, R.M. “Cardiovascular effects of sildenafil.” Am J Cardiol, 1999.
→ Significant BP reductions, especially when combined with other risk factors or medications.
📌 Citation:
- Webb, D.J., et al. “Sildenafil citrate and blood pressure.” Br J Clin Pharmacol, 1999.
→ Demonstrated dose-dependent drops in systolic and diastolic BP.
📌 Citation:
- Jenner, P. “Apomorphine: mechanisms and clinical efficacy.” Neurology, 2002.
📌 Citation:
- O’Sullivan, S.S., et al. “Impulse control disorders and dopamine agonists.” Neurology, 2011.
→ APO can induce compulsive behaviors and BP instability.
📌 Citation:
- Harte, C.B., & Meston, C.M. “Recreational use of PDE5 inhibitors.” Journal of Sexual Medicine, 2012.
→ Recreational use increases ED in healthy young men.
- Liu, P.Y., et al. “Testosterone and sexual function.” JCEM, 2006.
- Esposito, K., et al. “Lifestyle changes and ED reversal.” JAMA, 2004.
- Bacon, C.G., et al. “Nutrition and ED.” Journal of Urology, 2006.
📌 Citation:
- Burri, A., et al. “PDE5 inhibitors and sexual function.” Journal of Sexual Medicine, 2013.
→ Users report increased anxiety and reliance.
Don’t suck on a mint-chocolate nitroglycerin grenade without medical clearance.
PART V — WHAT MEN SHOULD REALLY BE DOING
Before swallowing a single fancy penile inflamatory lozenge, you should have:
- Full hormone panel
- Blood pressure analysis
- A1C
- Lipid panel
- Testosterone + SHBG
- Thyroid check
- Vascular exam
If you’re 40+, this isn’t optional.
If you’re 50+, it’s mandatory.
If you’re 60+, it’s survival.
Your penis is not the problem. Your physiology is.
PART VI — MY OFFICIAL STATEMENT, FOR THE RECORD
These ED companies know damn well that:
- Older men have real medical needs
- Younger men have insecurity
- Both have money
- Neither group reads the fine print
So, they prey on you and I.
They distract you with cleavage, comedy, and convenience while hiding medical risks behind cute graphics and fruity flavors.
This isn’t sexual wellness.
It’s pharmaceutical catfishing.
And I’m calling bullshit on it.
💥 THE TAKEAWAY:
Men my age:
Don’t take mystery pills because a pretty stranger told you that you deserve pleasure. Doesn’t your bride still have that headache from 2012?
You deserve something better: Not dying.
Young men:
If you’re chemically enhancing an erection before your back hair grows in, you’re not “performing better.”
You’re sabotaging your health, mental welfare, and your future.
All men:
Get tested.
Know your numbers.
Hydrate.
Lower stress.
Fix your lifestyle.
Talk to a doctor — a real one, not one in a sports bra selling mint chocolate dopamine pops.
Your health, your brain, your hormones, and your long-term performance depend on it.
